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A few weeks ago, I had a dream that troubled me. In the dream, I was among friends and family. We were serving together, enjoying one another. However, I wasn’t being honest with my feelings because underneath the façade lay some deep-seated sorrow. Although I tried to act like everything was ok, it was not. Eventually, the floodgates opened and waves of grief poured out. At one point, I admitted to a few loved ones that I had experienced a miscarriage. Although I was technically OK and managing, it became apparent that I had not fully mourned the loss of that anticipated precious gift. I regained composure in the dream, but upon waking, sorrow hung on my spirit like a wet blanket.
After a few days of prayer, advice from a couple trusted friends, and careful self-examination, God revealed these truths. Firstly, I determined that the miscarriage represented the loss of what I had imagined my life to be like. Although I’ve learned that the harsh reality of daily life rarely reflects the fairytale existence we imagine as children, remnants of ideals and expectations in my psyche still remain. It is truly difficult to make the mental shift allowing yourself to completely let those pre-conceived ideas go so that we can reframe our hopes, dreams, and expectations while remaining positive and full of childlike faith. But God is faithful and more than able to help us through it.
Holy Spirit then sweetly, lovingly, gently invited me to fully grieve that loss. Letting something go requires that it first be acknowledged. God gives us the gift of lament so that He can truly heal the wounds. As we uncover our wounds, Father God generously pours His healing salve upon us, assuring us that all shall indeed be well. Nevertheless, we have our part to do. We grieve. We let the sorrow go – laying it down at the Father’s feet. Then we purpose to walk in freedom and victory because we know whatever He has in store for us is going to be magnificent and so much better than our own limited imaginations.
Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb. ~Revelation 22:1
After grieving and letting it go, we mustn't fret - walking out our freedom may involve surrendering more than once! Honestly, surrendering is a life-long exercise. We lay one thing down, and then Holy Spirit reveals the next thing to let go of. It’s a pattern of what Paul calls sanctification: walking it out, declaring truth, abiding in the Vine, partaking in the overflow. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? This whole process, however, often gets drawn out, gritty, and ugly when our teeth are clenched, and our fists are closed. It reminds me of the Lamaze classes I took during my first pregnancy. I remember the coach saying, if you would just relax into the contractions, birth would be less difficult. That all sounded fine and good until the contractions came along. How in the world do you relax into THAT pain?
Isn’t it mind boggling how we have to force ourselves to relax? I was able to ask midwife Erica Steele about relaxing under pressure. She shared some great insights. Erica pointed out that it is not natural to relax when you’re in pain! We automatically tense up as our bodies go on high alert. Her pregnant mothers actually need training and instruction to prepare to relax. Then when the time comes or when problems arise, they have a coach to come to their aid!
Isn’t that a perfect picture of our Heavenly Father? He instructs us and calls us to prepare for difficult times (In this world you will have trouble - John 16:33), then He lets us run the race. If we fall, He’s there to pick us up. He’s the best and most loving coach. He instructs along the way and teaches us how to do better.
When I shared with Erica what I was writing about, she offered some other powerful observations. She said the act of grinning and bearing it is just a façade - the same word I used about my dream! How sad that we waste so much of our lives trying to look good on the outside or covering up our wounds. It may work for a while, but the truth eventually comes to the surface like blood seeping through a bandage. So much of our Christian walk involves giving up the games we play and being honest with ourselves. “Real power,” Erica noted, “is in surrender.” Yes. Yes, it is. Surrender to the instructions of our great Coach. He calls us to relax through the difficult seasons knowing He will see us through and strengthen us, holding our hands all the while.
Now one thing remains. All the preparation and coaching in the world do us no good unless we practice. We have to go through labor in order to experience birth. God gives us opportunities to rest in His capable arms and gain strength by partaking of the Water of Life. It's a water birth. We are baptized into the Kingdom of Heaven. But the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bids us to wade into the deep waters with Him (see Ezekiel 47). I asked Erica about water birth. She said that water helps relax the muscles. It can also reduce blood pressure and reduce the perception of pain. Yes – I'll take that! Let's relax in the River of God's grace. I love the lyrics to “Joy” by Chandler Moore.
I’ve got joy on the inside,
Feels like fire, can’t keep it in
I keep praising in the midnight
The joy of the Lord is my strength
I’ve got a river that’s flowing inside
It’s full of life, It’s ever-growing
God calls us to have enough faith and trust in Him that we jump in the river. The River of Living Water cleanses us from all sin and washes away our grief and sorrow. Once we’ve taken the plunge, we yield to the flow of the river. It is in the deep rivers of His grace that we are able to heal and experience all the fullness of life in the Spirit. The river journey is also where we have the most amazing adventures and experiences.
Go on – jump in!
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